There are times I am very thankful that this journal is private. If my fans could see me now. I've just finished another photo shoot, and I'm ready to scream. I've had it with this. How long can I get by on my looks? One of the girls who did my makeup today had the gall to suggest I consider cosmetic work. Something about crow's feet or something. I don't look that old... do I? Damn her for bringing my insecurities to the surface again. I'm whining, and I know that, but I honestly don't care. There are literally dozens of other celebrities who look so much better. Even others who are near my own age look better than I do. I believe Gackt is nearly the same age as I am, though he'd never admit it. Then there are younger musicians, bands like LM.C and Dir en Grey and soloists like Miyavi. I fear losing my fans to them. Yes, I'm insecure, but in this line of work, your fans are your number one asset. Without them, you are nothing. I know this only too well.

I think the reasons I'm so high-strung recently run much deeper than my vanity. I haven't been sleeping well at all, I'm very lonely, even when surrounded by my band, and I constantly fight with my wife. She is my best friend, and deserves better than my mood swings, but I'm not sure how to fix this anymore. She has done a lot for me and I do love her. But that is the love of a friend, not that of a lover. She knew this from the start. I think she is beautiful, but it's purely academic, I think. I don't lust after her as any straight male would. I don't believe in titles, but I know what I am not. I am not straight. I don't know what I am. I have an interest in a few people, but I don't pursue these interests. It could destroy my career. I love my music, I live for it, but fame is a double-edged sword and I don't trust my balance anymore. I'm exhausted, but I don't believe I could survive without the music... I should bow out, and live the rest of my life in peace and quiet, but I'm not strong enough to walk away from my greatest passion; my music.

Current Location: alone in my room
Current Mood: depressed
Current Music: X-Japan